I have thought a lot about why I behave still like a kid in front of my parents, inasmuch as I keep things from them that I know they won't approve of, and I am not sure it is because of respect. Well it might be to some degree, but what I really think it is about is, approval. I can't bear to think they would think ill of me, but I think that they probably would. Even though my mother often says ' you're an adult now, you do what you want...' I don't actually think she means it. There are so many things I don't say, but want to, I feel I have a lot of surpressed anger towards them, but maybe it is just towards myself, for being so spineless and lily livered. I like my tattoos, I do not, nor ever have regretted them. Yet, ( once again they are the example ) I don't want to " upset them " and then have them judge me.
I guess I am angry at myself most of all.
There are others in my family ( no Duncy not you ) who have really ballsed up their life and have done some pretty naughty things to others, mean and stealingy type things, who just act like they have done nothing wrong...yet me, who is well educated, saves for a rainy day, owns my own home, works hard and is a damn good mother, still feels like I have to apologise for things like buying a new ipod ( $ 499 with 16 MB, internet, itunes, youtube and finger sensor movement ).
So I guess I am the problem.
I am too gutless to basically believe in myself and my convictions, yet I do. But I always feel I have to explain myself to my parents. I have to say I always felt the love I received as a child was conditional, " we'll love you if you.....", but I don't know if this is just in my imagination... I am sick of being scared of them, I mean me, for fu**'s sake, bold fearless me...why do I allow my parents to reduce me to a nervous child again. Dammnit.
